How to respond to difficult questions
A physical difference is noticeable... and many cultures around the world struggle with accepting differences. Even if we live in a culture that doesn't make it easy to live with a physical difference, I focus on helping Jordan grow up with confidence and the knowledge that she can try it all with one hand.A part of that goal comes with the extra step of helping her learn how to respond to the questions and not taking them too seriously. Some of the questions are appropriate. (We think questions are better than staring.) Some questions are incredibly rude. I sometimes react to the challenging questions with a lot of emotion (that I usually keep to myself) while Jordan will roll her eyes and move on.I am a member of dozens of support groups on social media that focus on how to parent or live inside the special needs world. There is often an ebb and flow of questions from parents on how to handle questions from children and adults. They range from logical questions (what happened?) to rude questions (aren't you sad?). Over the summer, I decided I'd try to experiment with brainstorming on ways to react to the questions on the Born Just Right Facebook page. I posted a string of different questions and asked members of the community to share their input.There were some pretty wonderful responses and I think it's worth capturing that moment here on the blog so we can come back to these ideas when we need them. (Facebook isn't known for easy searching.)Here are some of the questions and the responses from the community... I also embedded the full conversation at the bottom of this post. Thank you to everyone who continues to participate and share on Born Just Right's page. I really appreciate it.What do you tell a child who says a limb difference is "scary" or "gross?"Christine R.:"We try to turn it back around, "How would YOU feel if somebody said you looked "scary" or "gross?" and that seems to work pretty well so far."Christine M.: "You know, even as an adult, there is sting when a child says this to me. I know that that probably sounds silly, but those words hurt even when you know that the child is using the limited vocabulary and understanding that they have to process the situation.
That said, especially with younger kids, I try to tee the opportunity to show them my hand and let them touch it. I tell them that it can't hurt them and it doesn't hurt me, so it isn't something that should scare them. With older kids, I ask them how those words would make them feel and say that's it just something different that makes me who I am."Mike S.: "'It's not scary but I understand why you think it's different. Do you have something different about you? He has one hand, I have a funny birthmark, what do you have that's different or special about you?' I think especially for kids it's important to get them to be introspective about the situation vs. concentrating on your child's difference."How do you react when someone asks, "What happened?"Barbara B.: "I say "Well, we don't exactly know what happened. Even the medical community is not entirely sure. In my son's case (symbrachydactyly) it is thought to be a vascular event, like a blood clot, which disrupts blood flow and did not allow the fingers to form." I just keep my response matter-of-fact."Jen (from BJR): "In our case, I say that Jordan was born that way. For others, a limb difference may have happened due to an accident. I usually keep an answer to this question short and sweet unless the person follows it up with a 'Why?'"Kathleen W.: "When my daughter was a young teen and someone would ask she would tease and say a shark bit it off. I guess she was tired of the questions."Alissa S.: The shark thing, my son did too. My son is a twin And they are in Medical Journals Related to rare tumor . I had lots of questions why only one was missing an arm. As he got older he handled it very well and still does. He would go thru why doctors believe he had different arm he finally said a shark bit it off which made them all go, "Oh, wow" and leave him alone. As he got older in high school he used it as humor to get out of school work."I struggle with "I feel sorry for him." I don't want to invalidate other people's feelings, but yeah, sometimes verbalizing your feelings towards my kid isn't appropriate.Christine M.: "I truly believe that most people are attempting to express genuine concern/interest and just have absolutely no idea as to how awful the things that they say sound. Children, especially, just don't know what they are saying.
In my opinion, rather than focusing on educating the people making comments (though there does need to be some of that), the best thing to do is work on teaching your child that those words do not define him/her as a person. The comments will always come and you can't ever educate enough to stop them, but teaching your child to find his/her personhood and value will deflect the comments in a way that nothing else can. For me, my personhood and value are found primarily in my faith in Christ, as well as in my family, my friends, my interests and my community involvement. While this will be different based on each person, these kinds of things are the root of personhood and I think, no matter what they are, they are the foundation of who each person is.
As an aside, I think it gets better in adulthood, as least it did for me. I do still get questions and comments at times, but because my family, friends and co-workers all know me, it's not a major topic of conversation in my daily life now like it was in my elementary/middle school days."Kathleen W: I would say it's not sad and she can do far more than most two handed people. She crochets, does macrame, sews custom wedding gowns, works the computer like a pro, etc. etc."Therese H.: When they say 'sad', it's tempting to real off a list of activities that our children can do to prove that they don't have limitations. Depending on the conversation, I've started using sentences like "He's such a happy kid, nothing really worries him and he is super comfortable with who he is." "He makes friends easily and is kind and considerate, his little hand really doesn't hold him back". I try to keep the conversation centred on my son as a person, rather than just his abilities (though a good brag about his shoelace tying skills usually gets a mention!) Most people have good intentions and just say the first thing that pops into their head. But, as my son gets older, he understands what and why people say these comments. It's more important than ever now that I don't allow people to be rude and offend in front of my son. I also need to set an excellent example of how to answer positively, yet firmly to the rudeness. I think we all must have permanent scarring from the bite marks on our tongues!"TJ W.: "I say "are you kidding? It's a blessing. He's no longer in pain and he can finally do everything he wants. Trust me it's a blessing"